Onward!

Wherever that is.

I’ve started and stopped writing this post at least a dozen times since my last entry on this blog. It’s not that I don’t have anything to say. It’s that life threw another curveball my way and it was a bit of a gut punch.

No, I’m not talking about the recent election (well, not entirely). This particular plot twist hurled me back to the Midwest, back to same environment that prompted my quest West to begin with.

To clarify, I was already planning to return for a few weeks over the holidays to visit much-missed friends and relations. But in early October, I received word that my ex was laid up from a fall that would require multiple surgeries and keep him from driving (or walking or cooking or cleaning) for a few months. Eager to save the day, knowing full well he’d do the same for me, I hopped on a plane and headed east.

So here I am. Back in my old digs, enjoying the warm embrace of loved ones I’ve missed, feeling rather like a tourist in a town that I called “home” for decades.

Weird, right?

Weirder still was the realization that my ex didn’t/doesn’t need me nearly as much as I felt the need to show up for him. Until I arrived at our former marital home and saw how he was (and, in some respects, wasn’t) managing without me, my sense of guilt almost had me tricked into believing that, had I not cut the cord and moved across country, he wouldn’t have been up on that ladder alone, or fallen behind on housework, or anything else the old me would’ve automatically absorbed full credit for.

This time, I knew better. Empathy, great; taking responsibility for things that don’t belong to me, not so great. To recap, in my six months away, I had managed to move forward, but didn’t realize it until I came back.

A former supervisor of mine was fond of saying, “Sometimes you have to go sideways to move up.” Smart guy.

This detour is temporary. My ex’s recovery is assured and imminent. Time marches on. Before long, I’ll be back in my “new” digs with my west coast sons and extended family of friends and relations.

When I go back, the future will be there, waiting for me to start all over again. Again.